She has been a part of my life right from the moment I completed High School. Our relationship has always been that of friendship. When we got closer than normal, it was because we were best friends. Whenever I needed her, she showed up for me. I believe I also did my best as a friend to let her know that I got her back. If she needed someone to discuss her problems with, I was the one she came to....CONTINUE READING
We celebrated each other’s wins and encouraged ourselves when our plans did not come together. Through the course of our friendship, I dated another woman but it didn’t end on a happy note. She also had a boyfriend but they broke up along the way. We’ve each been single since our last relationship ended.
Two years ago, I found myself feeling things for her. These were feelings I didn’t intend to have. They just crept up on me one afternoon. All of a sudden my heart started racing at the thought of her. I would see her and feel like throwing myself into her arms. Yes, I had fallen in love with my best friend. I believe my feelings would have been easier for me to accept had I seen any indication that she felt the same way about me.
The way our friendship worked, it was impossible for me to keep my feelings to myself. So I decided to let her know about it. Of all the women I have attempted to love, she is the only one I truly love. I can give her the whole world without thinking about it. That is how strongly I feel about her.
When I finally professed my feelings to her, she told me, “Leo, I love you too. But how can we be together when I am not sexually attracted to you?” This was the same person who asked me one day, “Why did you have sexual conversations with your ex-girlfriend but you never did with me? Do you not think I have anything to say on the subject?” I had to apologize for not involving her in such conversations. Why would she want to have that kind of conversation with me if she was not attracted to me that way?
Her rejection broke me. I know she is not the sun but my life revolves around her. I have our whole future together mapped out. What am I supposed to do with all that? The other day she came to me and said, “I want us to try and see how things work out.” This filled me with hope like the way a balloon is filled with helium. I was sure we would be happy together.
I accepted her. I threw myself into the relationship. I did my best to show her how much I loved her. It wasn’t long before she came to tell me, “This was a bad idea. I am not feeling it. Let’s put an end to all of it.” I am a patient man. Although I was disappointed, I accepted her decision without getting upset.
Another day, she came to me saying that we should try again. I got excited only for her to wake up the next day and change her mind. This is what is going on now. Today she would say she is ready for me. But the next day she would say we shouldn’t bother. The on-and-off is killing me. It’s put me on edge. How am I even sure that she won’t wake up tomorrow morning and decide our friendship is no longer working for her?
Despite our see-saw of a love life, I am the first person she runs to when she is facing a problem. I would hold her hand and give her counsel. When she needs comfort, I am the shoulder she leans on. When a man shows interest in her, I am the listening ear she confides in. So far she has turned down all the proposals from the other other men coming her way. She tells me her reasons for rejecting them, and I can confidently say that it has nothing to do with me.
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I feel like a plastic tree planted in her life. She treats me as if I am a prop or a side character in her story. Meanwhile, I want to be the man she loves. I want to be the person who stands by her while she chases her dreams through life. Yet here I am, only the man she wants as a friend. How long can I keep listening to her talk about other men? What if she starts going on dates? What if she ends up choosing someone? Am I supposed to be a good friend and be happy for her? This whole situation is paining me.
I am holding out hope that she will soon come to accept me but I could be leading myself on falsely. A part of me wants to move on from this situation. It’s just so difficult. What do I do? Should I linger around and hope she comes around eventually?
