The Word Cancer Used to Scare Me

You feel invincible until one day, you’re not. Life humbles you with a wake-up call. A rude awakening....CONTINUE READING

Abnormal.

My lab results came back from a recent doctor’s check-up. Scrolling on my phone, reading through the medical acronyms and gibberish, I tried to grasp something that made sense.

Déjà vu. I’ve been here before.

In the year that followed before this check-up, I can say I felt invincible. Or in denial. Avoidance even. I know I’m not up to par with where I should be health-wise.

But if I don’t think about it, the matters don’t exist, right?

Wrong.

The word cancer used to scare me. I’d dodge the word like a bullet. Anxiety crippled me when I’d think what would happen to my loved ones should I leave this world.

Of course, this was decades ago, my babies were just babies. I had a family, a spouse, and a precious life I clung desperately to. Today, it’s a different story. Should it be my time, then it’s my time.

And I’d be ok with that. Because sometimes I don’t know how I feel about growing old, alone.

I believe in early prevention. And to take control of the matters in which we can. But there was also a time I avoided the doctors. After my divorce, I couldn’t afford to be sick, work was more important. Bills had to be paid. Mind over matter.

I talked to my body from time to time. Affirming things like — I am healthy. I am well. My body is strong. I am healing.

But I’m also a lying hypocrite because while I talked the talk, I didn’t walk the walk. In recent years, I fell down a slippery slope of depression/anxiety mixed with binge eating.

Taking care of myself was not a priority. I wanted to. I’d start and then I’d slide down that slope again. Until the slope was too steep to climb back up.

Why someone struggles is not to be weighed on or judged. We all have our inner demons. We go to war, a battle we fight daily. It seems as though it is me fighting against me.