In the spirit of wedding anniversary, today being mine, I believe strongly that conflict resolution must get better as the years roll by. After five years, ten years, fifteen years, twenty years, etc., you should not be the one that neighbours will be settling quarrels for, as a married couple. You should rather be the one they are wondering how come you do not quarrel. “Old wine tastes better” should be your story after many years of marriage....CONTINUE READING
To the glory of God, that is the situation in my marriage as it clocks twenty-eight years this day. We have weathered the storms of the early years, which I call “morning sickness in pregnancy stage”. We moved through the stage of discovery of spouse, when you discover the things love did not allow you to see or care about, because love is blind − and now we have entered the stages of compromise and acceptance of reality, where you change what is changeable and accept what you cannot change.
This has helped us to overcome the feeling of “I think I have made a wrong decision choosing my spouse”. Then entering the route of “giving it a trial”, and surmounting the “if it will break, let it break” (ojo pa ewe koko, bo ba le ya, ko ya) attitude. What a journey of love, patience, endurance, forgiveness, and appeal. Lest I forget, a time came when we decided to fight for our marriage to succeed against all odds. That is the spirit that makes conflict resolution easier and possible.
Conflicts must not be allowed to blossom into irreconcilable differences, which is usually the point of divorce. I believe that irreconcilable differences come up due to irresponsible and unreasonable demands. If both partners resolve to live together forever, like the teeth and tongue in the mouth, nothing like irreconcilable differences will come up. You must realise that the grass is not greener on the other side, that you are stretching your neck to view. Even if it is greener, someone must have been watering it.
So, you are not welcome. But when your attitude is “No gree for anybody,” then you are heading to the exit door in the marriage. Where there is a will, there is a way.
In continuation of the shades of conflicts in marriage, let us consider the following:
*Third-party conflict
Marriage is a company. It follows the saying that two is a company, and three is a crowd. Third-party influence on marriages could be disgusting and damaging. I always encourage couples to keep their conflicts within their homes, as much as possible. This, however, does not suggest living in isolation, which is another extreme in relationships.
I had a case where a wife insisted that her best friend must live with her in the marriage if the husband would know peace. It eventually led to the dissolution of the union. In many marriages, ill advice from third parties has done more evil than good. The best way to deal with any third-party conflict is to mutually agree to let go of such an influence. If it involves close relatives, the couple should seek for independent counsellor who will be able to avail them of unbiased solutions.
*Infidelity conflict
Any conflict based on infidelity is always a hard nut to crack. It usually ends up cracking the marriage instead of getting cracked. Legally, traditionally, and biblically, it is a good and acceptable ground for divorce. However, we have seen situations in which marriages survived infidelity, especially when the two parties were guilty and willing to forgive each other.
To resolve this type of conflict, examining the root cause is always very helpful. Is it a mistake, an adventure, or a reaction to sexual starvation? Knowing the cause will determine how forgiving a spouse will be, especially if the guilty one is the wife.
Husbands usually find it difficult to overlook their wives’ infidelity because, for a wife, sex is an emotional thing. Whereas, a husband could engage in sex just for the fun of it, with no strings attached.
Couples should be careful in their conduct to avoid the infidelity conflict. We should all know that infidelity in marriage is easier to procure these days. It takes great marital commitment and discipline of self-control not to get involved. It is dangerously becoming the norm in our society. It is in the air – so, we need to put on our face mask to survive it. I will write more on this at another time.
* Unseen or spiritual conflict
This is a spiritually engendered conflict. It is an evil programming into a marriage from the unseen realm − the realm of the spirit. Believe me, it is real. I have had personal experience, and have intervened in other people’s marriages in this wise. The only solution is to be prayerful, watchful and spiritual. Without these things, the marriage is a goner. This is the reason why you cannot navigate through some marital conflicts. They will just defy all known solutions.
On a final note, no conflict is bigger than the God factor. That is the game changer in conflict resolution. When he gets involved, it is a done deal. Let me cite my personal experience for this. A few weeks into my marriage, we had a great quarrel that would have ended the marriage. It centered on the issue of prayers. My husband has a loud voice, and it used to play out whenever he was praying. But I was disturbed by this situation. I raised it with him and it sounded strange that his prayers were disturbing me. You can imagine the implication: a witch in disguise! But, because we love God and enjoy His mercy, He intervened. One evening while visiting his parents, we had barely sat down when a man of God preaching on the television, said “Why is it that when you are praying, no one can sleep? Must you disturb the whole house because you are praying? I pray even in my bedroom, and my wife doesn’t hear my voice.”
That was the end of the matter. We never discussed it thereafter, and we have lived happily ever after. What a way the God factor played out!
Many conflicts unresolved can be dealt with by seeking the God factor. He alone knows the best way to handle each conflict. All that is required is to discover how to approach him. It is the greatest secret of my twenty-eight years in marriage, which is being commemorated today.
May God intervene in every conflict-ridden marriage in the mighty name of Jesus. Best wishes to you all.
You can avail yourself of copies of my books: ‘Enjoying Great S3x Life’ and ‘How To Help Your Wife Enjoy S3x’. Please, contact 08112658560 for details. SMS only.
